Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Riding Life's Currents: Pain and Suffering ~ Abundance and Bliss

The last five months have brought about immense self rediscovery, embracing the darkness, swimming through a fog of clouded perceptions of what it is to be alive. To be Life. 

I've noticed there are currents to ride upon. Most likely more than just these two being of drastic dualistic nature but simply put:

The current of existing from lack, without, feeling in separation, shame and guilt, and deep sadness.  There is never enough, how will I ever, No one loves me, I wish I would have, should have, could have. Sacrificing health and wellness to accomplish meaningless tasks that do not nurture our souls purpose.

The current of abundance, unity, joy, expression, trust, faith and belief. Knowing that all is in divine order and timing. All is how it should be. Finding peace in the acceptance of what is. Making every act sacred. Seeing the twinkling light within all beings and experiences. Believing that because you support yourself, life will support you. 

Riding these currents dictates so much of our life experience. When looking through the tainted lenses of the lack perception, you see life as the dreary existence of humanity suffering, without, violence and fear. It is all you see because it is framework of your thought basis. You feel lack, you see lack. Complain and feel complacent. 

I believe riding these lower currents teach us so much. Where would we be without pain and suffering? If I hadn't fallen into the dark fog, if I hadn't made the choices that led me down the roads I've been, stumbling, hobbling; I wouldn't be who I am in this divine moment.  

I've chosen to create my own stepping stones as I go. I've chosen to soar up to a higher life current. 

Experiencing solitude, embracing the Pain has taught me to pay attention. At these times of deep pain, the future is too terrifying to contemplate, the past to painful to remember, all there is left-is to be in the present moment. In this moment of clarity is when I can take it all in that is around me. It is alright in this moment. True acceptance. 

Feeling a sense of unity with Divinity through solitude, reflection and appreciation through paying attention.

Paying attention to all things. To the way the sidewalk shifts and the directional changes of cracks in the pavement. To the different kinds shrubbery alongside the walkway, noticing their differential traits. Notice the birds,  the animals, the insects. To stop and feel the breeze, to watch it flow through and around you. To admire the moon. To be quiet and listen. 

Paying attention is an act of connection. Your essence feels complete in noticing small and great acts of beauty that surround you. 

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Dating Auditions and Try Outs

I've been wanting to write about my experiences in the dating game for awhile. Being single for over two years, it has been full of them good and bad. All are great learning tools for moving forward. Head held high. 

For me, dating takes an incredible amount of courage. More so than when I approach a stage about to hoop in front of x amount of people. What is it about about that intimate conversation, the small table with the tiny candle in the corner of the restaurant....where there is so much possibility, including rejection.

Dating can be like hosting or attending auditions. Depending on how you meet your date, may have been through a friend, from a show, from a bar, or from OKcupid where their photos seemed to pass the "attractive enough" test. Either way, the first date always seems pretty neutral. That moment when I'm about to pull the door open and step inside the very location decided on. The electric butterfly feeling is flowing through the veins, palms are so sweaty the door almost slips from my grip. Big. Deep. Breath. Sometimes I even tell the hostess I'm there on a date, to help relieve the nerves or something. Cluing someone into my emotion, now I suddenly feel like I have her rooting for me. And the first date begins. Neither party knows what to expect. Good conversation? Awkward moments where you slurp your drink down? Or do you have so much to talk about the server just gives up coming back to ask you if you're ready to order. No, you have yet to even glance at the menus. 

Regardless of the numbers of dates you have been on and how successful you felt they went, this is when the "auditions" begin. On the drive home....you begin to analyze. How was your performance? How did you present yourself? Authentically? Where you funny enough? Witty enough? Did you talk about your ex too much? Why do you keep doing that?!!  Will you get that call back?
Or you are on the other side, you are doing the curtain call. You've got your list of traits and qualities desired in a partner and you were just going down the list, check, check, check.... and you'll be giving the call backs. 

In my journal recently, I've also come to another analogy in my head. I am treating dating like trying out for a sports team. Its all about your mental prep going into the experience. So I may wear my brightest jersey, my strongest protective gear and I may be the fastest, smartest, prettiest player on the field. Regardless of all that, its the mental strength of surviving the process of being selected by another. Knowing you may or may not make the team. The essence is in nonattachment of either outcome. The morning of try outs, as you begin your journey to the playing field, the self talk begins. "If I make it, that'll be so great! If I don't make it, I suppose there is something better for me to spend my time doing." That same attitude is the one I carry into the dating game now. I'll show up, with an open heart, positive attitude and my best foot forward, because you know what? In the end. I chose me! In the end, I am the chosen one, I am the star player of my team.  

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Following my heart & Returning "Home"

"First, you need to decide what you are going to do. This may sound like a simple step, or like you’ve already done it, but let me tell you, it’s the hardest, and most important step in being tough. Once you make the commitment to do something, then almost nothing can stop you. [...] So take comfort in knowing that no matter what decision you make, or what direction you want to pursue, it’s going to be amazing because it’s your path, your decision, your direction. There’s beauty in the successes and the failures of your journey. Soak up every ounce of it and know that you’re becoming a better human being."

-Casey Burgener

Here I am finding myself at the end of a lease........and even with an awesome roommate possibility, steady work, new jobs and other opportunities manifesting; my heart doesn't feel at home here. I wake up sad. 
After a lot of thought I can't bring myself to sign another lease. It makes me feel anxious. I know it is not the right thing to do. I must follow my heart. Move back to Portland, OR. 

I've flip-flopped with the notion for months. Friends, family have said "No, no, you've finally got a stable job, friends, opportunities, things are finally working out for you." and I would agree. I do see the things pointed out. But they just don't feel right. You may see all this on the outside but how many mornings will I have to convince myself that I am happy? Focus on gratitude, to fight the tears streaming down my face because I don't want to be here? For what?! For WHO? It's not for me that is for certain.

I do not want to stay here in Denver because of fear. What about money? What about work? People ask me? What will you do? I have no worries. I have no fears when I picture myself in Portland. What about the stress of being sad and depressed? of staying in a place I do not want too? 

"The best opportunities are frequently the ones with the most question marks." Reid Hoffman

Beautiful things are manifesting as I have made this decision! There is a hoop workshop in Missoula, MT which will help me stir up some MUCH NEEDED funds. I am very grateful for the opportunity. Sunday June 30th 2pm


I also have donations for gas money set up to my paypal account groovinmegzz@gmail.com. Any donation I will offer a trade of services for! Such as nutrition counseling  personal training workout advice, program design, private zumba lessons. All available via skype/google hang out!

"You must be willing to open your heart over and over despite life's hard knocks and unpredictable obstacles. There's no getting out of the darkness until you let in some light."

"Never leave a place to run away from something, only leave to move towards something."

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Flow & Restriction

The Difference between Flow and Restriction

The need to feel secure is only a bad habit. You can feel secure without even knowing what will happen to you next. It’s only a custom of the ego that requires you to “need to know” . When you can come to a “Don’t know, Don’t care” attitude-you are free!! You transcend the ego's need to know and it's reluctance to move. Just gotta move without knowing. 

If you are to become a spiritual warrior and to honor The Divine Force within, you will agree to accept all circumstances as you find them-remembering, of course, that almost everything can be improved and that things can change. What you can't change, you probably don't need to. You can just go beyond worrying about it instead. Say to yourself: "All these things are part of my human evolution. I can transcend them and go beyond." It is a simple and courageous act of acceptance. 

Instantly, you go past one of the greatest human weaknesses-the need to know. If you’re balanced today, you’ll be more balanced tomorrow because your energy is rising constantly. If you are abundant today, you’ll be more abundant tomorrow because that’s how rising energy works. 
Infinite Self-Stuart Wilde

I'm so moved while this book! It brings much clarity and reminding me of wisdom I feel I once knew. I highly recommend it! :)